Where do I belong?

WARNING FOR FAMILY and FRIENDS: DO NOT READ THIS AND ASSUME I AM DEPRESSED OR DISTURBED. I’M JUST ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED.

I have been in school most of my life. I was in preschool at 4 years old where I remember doing a little performance where I was a tight-rope walker. Maybe I don’t really remember it. Maybe I remember the stories about that time. I’m not quite sure, but school has always taken over the biggest part of my memory.

When I was in Kindergarten, I started the year a little ahead of the others. I was reading on a 3rd grade reading level at 5 years old. My mother worked hard with me at home. The school wanted me to move to 1st grade. Clearly I was too advanced for Kindergarten, but my parents said no. I’m so glad they said no. I adored my class (No offense to that other class, but you guys were inferior to the Class of 2001).

I have fond memories of Kindergarten. Playing with friends, riding the bus and being weird with my bus friend, making cute art projects, and enjoying being little. I did go into the 1st grade room quite a bit during reading time. I don’t remember one lick about math. Just judging by how I am now…I probably needed to stay in the Kindergarten math.

Elementary school was so much fun. I went to a very small school. VERY SMALL. Every grade probably only had 15-18 students. I remember competing with my friend in class. Rushing to beat him. (Hey, Eric, you win.) We learned out multiplication tables like you’re supposed to. Memorizing the facts and drilling and saying your facts to the teacher. This generation struggles so much because this step was taken out of the equation and now they’re scrambling because test scores are low. HERE’S A CLUE: STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! WHATEVER GRADE IT IS! STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND JUST FOCUS ON MULTIPLICATION UNTIL THEY GET IT. Stop worrying about them getting behind. Newsflash: They’re already behind and will stay behind until you teach them fundamental math skills. And I get to make stand on this soap box because I’ve been an educator for 18 years. Don’t @ me.

Anywhooooo…I have the fondest memories of our 4th grade teacher letting us bring sleeping bags for a day to just read. She read us wonderful books like Judy Blume and Roald Dahl. Mrs. Russell, you’re the reason I began to love reading. You inspired me and gave me something no one can take away from me. I dove into ALL the books in the library. The Babysitter’s Club, Fear Street, Choose your own Adventure, Sweet Valley High, Harriet the Spy, Matilida, all the Judy Blume books, etc.

We got to go to the Learning Center and play Word and Math Munchers and Oregon Trail (The OG. The “You’ve died of dysentery” Oregon Trail) on those old Macs. We got to print out Greeting Cards on those old printers where the paper was a connected ream that had holes down both sides and the “pictures” were made out of letters and stuff. So funny thinking about those.

If you remember these…do your knees hurt too? Yeah, I thought so.

So yeah, that was fun. I was also in Gifted and Talented in school. This is where I got to shine the most. I was allowed to write and illustrate books, perform in plays (Y’all, we did the Twelfth Night in elementary school. Did we know what it was about? No. Absolutely not), I got to dress as my dream job (I dressed as the iconic Reba McEntire and wanted to be a country music sensation. Spoiler alert: I did not become a country music star. I became a teacher), and we did Quiz Bowl. I can’t remember anything about Quiz Bowl except that we got to go on trips. My only desire when joining a club was “Do they take field trips?” I think my mother knew back then I was destined to GOOOO!

I remember so many fun things: Painting a state on a HUGE map of the US on the basketball court (I got Missouri and the color was green), playing Saved by the Bell on the playground along with kiss chase, Lion King, and whatever else our elementary brains developed, always running the mile in P.E. (why is that a thing, PE teachers, WHY?! But like…thank you for parachute and scooter board days. It’s the only saving grace you gave me. I loathed PE with every fiber of my being. I still can’t do a pull-up and definitely can’t run.), going to the Scholastic Book Fair and spending my money on junk (and I’m a reader! But the junk is soooo tempting! And as a Library Media Specialist who has hosted a jillion bookfairs, it hasn’t changed. The kids still just buy the junk. Scholastic knows where they make that money), and I remember my 6th grade social studies teacher had a map of the US in the back of her room on wood paneling and each state was made of carpet. Mrs. Cook, you gave me so much love for learning that year. I remember our units and trying foods from different countries and our big Arkansas unit. I used my Arkansas binder when I became a teacher and am forever grateful to my mother for keeping it. I remember Mrs. Fowler let the girls in our glass have a sleepover at their house (You could never do this in 2023. People are just…well, we won’t get into that). That was such a special time. My class had 14 kids in it. We had a bond. That sleepover was amazing for us.

I remember Book It and going to Pizza Hut when it was amazing (Y’all, I miss OG Pizza Hut. The red cups, the arcade, the jukebox, the pizza was better. Everything about 90s Pizza Hut was better. I will fight you on that). We did a Read Across America program where we earned prizes, our school did a Principal of the Day thing with us where I got to be Mrs. Reynolds one day (That woman scared me so much. She was perfectly nice, but was intimidating. She knew how to be a principal. Warm, but FIRM). Our music teachers were awesome. I still can sing all the states in alphabetical order. I also taught it to my students along with the president rap she taught us. I remember some of the songs we did and they will pop into my brain at random times. Right now…it’s the one about the old lady. It was a spooky Halloween song. “There was an old lady in skin and bones…oohhhh ooooh ooohhhh…” Our teacher would play the piano and there was a part where she would make the top of the piano slam down to scare us for fun. I’m smiling thinking about that.

I was also part of a Drug-Free dance team called America’s Pride. If you remember this, then we’re friends. I heckin’ loved that dance group. “Take pride in yourself and in your family (do do do do) We can make a difference so let the whole world see. We’re the future! Our dreams will come trueeee! We take pride in everything we do…” I could probably sing more. That’s a weird thing to store in my brain, huh? Also, I can’t find anything on the internet about this. WHYYYY???? You know…McGruff the Crime Dog and Smokey the Bear are everywhere, but there just seems to be nothing on this dance team, but it’s okay. I still had a shirt and it’s on a t-shirt quilt. So…there’s proof below. I was also a staff member on our Teens of NorthEast drug-free group (TONE).

Y’all, we were serious about being drug-free and not starting forest fires in the 90s.

In 6th grade, I got to join band.

Band.

The love of my life. I chose the flute and played the flute and eventually the piccolo all through school to 12th grade. I could literally go on for a whole blog post about my love of band, but I’ll save that for another time. For now, I’ll just say, Mr. Madison, you gave me a love for music like no other. The joy you provided to me in my life is unmeasurable. The music, theater, life. All of it. I adore you.

I seriously could go on and on about high school. High school was everything. The fun projects with Mrs. Dial making Juliet’s bedroom, all the fun stuff we did with Mrs. Lindsey in science class, Mrs. Evans letting me be the best drama queen I could be in drama class, taking Art 1 my senior year because I didn’t know what else to take and having the best time, learning I’m super crappy at Chemistry and Math and it’s okay, driving Mrs. Campbell nuts, loving every minute in Mrs. Tate’s class, learning three words in Spanish but loved it, being an officer in FBLA knowing good and well I didn’t care about business but also knowing they went on trips, all the band and junior year fundraisers, history class with Mrs. McCance, etc. etc. etc. I could go on for forever. Prom, dances, ALL THE TRIPS, everything. I adored high school. I truly did. The academics…not so much. I’m more a fine arts person.

KANGAROO FOR LIFE!

The fact that all history of the Kangaroos seems to be GONE from the internets is ridiculous. The schools were consolidated to Cedar Ridge schools after I graduated and I can’t find ANYTHING about our precious Kangaroos. It’s sad.

Now that I’ve written way too much about my school days, I’ll just keep the rest short and simple. I went to college and got my teaching degree. Then I started my teaching career at Liberty Christian School. The best years in my career by far. If they could have paid me more, I would have stayed there forever. The best school ever. No lie. I made great friends and some I call family. I worked there for 9 years and then earned my Master’s degree in Library Media (more school). After I got my degree, I got my first library job at Riverview School District. I learned a lot at that school. I learned A LOT. I made amazing friends and met some amazing kids. I also lost my spirit for education there. And this is not the kids or my coworkers fault. I won’t get into that here. But just know this: I slowly over 9 years felt unloved, undervalued, unimportant, unseen, uncared about, used, and this ultimately lead to my end there. Yes, I was moving to another state at the end of the school year, but I would have left anyway. Underpaid and undervalued. Schools wonder why teachers are leaving by the droves? Ha! That makes me laugh. There are a few key factors. #1 Administration. Period. Poor administration means teachers have no support. Educators are overworked and underpaid. They are responsible for not only academics, but now emotional/social/mental support for their students too. Educators have to teach and parent these children. And then the state has the audacity to add MORE to their plates, fill their classrooms wall to wall, not hire enough help/paraprofessionals, cut budgets all over, have special teachers and specialists travel to different campuses all day, take socialization away from students to fill the time with more standards (yet don’t understand why our kids are not progressing. Hello, Tammy, maybe bring back naps and center time for Kindergarteners and stop making them do developmentally inappropriate academic activities. Let them PLAY. Let them learn how to tie their shoes and zip up zippers and learn their shapes and colors. They need to learn how to socialize with their peers. They are FIVE years old. Let them be five! Stop expecting Kinder teachers to teach them quantum physics. Yeesh) #2 Authority has been removed from schools. We have our hands tied. Bullying, behavior issues, etc…we can’t do anything, but put them in ISS and use a behavior program to hopefully see a turnaround. I’ll tell you something. In my elementary school, the teachers had paddles and we knew it. I rarely saw a kid go to get paddled. It didn’t happen often because we knew who was in control. It wasn’t us. Kids are not the boss and their parents (while they should be informed of their child’s behavior) are also not the boss nor the professional at school. We are. We got our degree. We went through training upon training about every little thing that has to do with school. We KNOW how to lead children and guide them into being amazing EDUCATED citizens, but it is not the teacher’s job to parent children. Parenting needs to happen at home. AND AND AND and if parents aren’t willing to parent at home, they need to understand that someone will parent them at school. If you don’t get control of your children and you don’t allow them to be punished at school, then don’t be surprised when your little Johnny is suspended for starting fights or throwing chairs or destroying classroom or cussing out the teachers or OR OR. Y’all, your children have NO RIGHT to cuss out, destroy a classroom, or try to harm ANYONE in school. Like…do you allow your children to speak to you like that at home? Do you allow them to throw chairs at you? Do you allow them to say “F*** you, B****?” Like really? Do you? Sadly, I’m guessing some parents just don’t parent at all. They let their children do whatever they want on the internet for all hours of the night. They don’t check their kid’s grades or homework. They don’t stay on top of their hygiene or their health. It’s just sad. I’m so tired. I’ve been called names that no one should ever be called. I’ve been treated like absolute trash. The behavior is OUT OF CONTROL. #3 Government. STOP and I mean STOP micromanaging schools. LET THEM TEACH!!! For the love of all that is holy…let teachers teach! Let libraries have books! Let kids be kids!

Parents HAVE TO parent and Administration HAS TO support their educators.

It’s not fair what is happening in the nation right now. Teachers are DONE. I am done.

I left. I stayed until the end of the year, but I was ready to walk out the first couple of weeks of school. I was belittled and spent most of my year covering for classes since the activity teachers rarely ever got a substitute. Every week, I had double classes. That means instead of 20-28, I had 40-48 in my room. Every week, the lessons I had planned went to crap because here comes all the PE classes or Art classes or Music classes or Counselor classes. I’d have my tables set up and then have to move them. Every week multiple times a week. What the heck was I supposed to do with that many kids? I can’t have my normal class. I can’t take them outside and be liable for that many kids. Heaven forbid someone got hurt. A scraped knee could have landed me in court and me losing my license or something. So we just watched videos. Yeah, I’m the libary media center. I could have read to them. Have you ever tried reading to a group of 45 cranky 6th graders for 40 minutes? Yeah, I didn’t think so. It’s impossible. It was the most unproductive year of my career. Well, the most few unproductive years. Everything that made library fun for me was stripped. They got rid of Accelerated Reader even though the teachers loved it and were able to track student progress, but I guess their opinion didn’t matter. Mine didn’t. I tried to do fun centers with them and that was knocked out during the stupid pandemic. So…that was gone. The pandemic sucked. It ruined our schedule and made things very difficult. All of my admin time was constantly stripped away from me, even though it’s totally illegal to give the Library Media Specialist duties that take me away from the library, but clearly they didn’t care about laws. I had 48 kids in a room by myself a lot of times. A few times I had close to 80 alone. Soooo…they sure didn’t care to pull me out of my room to babysit the ISS room to cover a lunch duty or watch a class work on iPads while the teacher was out of the room (every day) for 30+ minutes. I rarely got time to go to the library and actually do library things. I mean…why bother, right? I couldn’t do my classes doing double classes all the time anyway

Yuck.

I go on.

I won’t. You’ve probably heard enough.

But my spirit was broken. I had no desire to walk back into a school again.

So I moved to California to be with my fiance and I started looking for other jobs. I needed something remote because our traveling back and forth to Arkansas schedule would be too much to get a regular job. I applied to probably 10-15 jobs every day.

Every single day since June.

I got one scam job interview and one real interview. I didn’t make it past round one in the real interview and was ready to hunt down the moron that tried to scam me with the fake job. I fixed my resume and my cover letter over and over again. I just couldn’t get ANYTHING. I got another job interview and was told I was overqualified. WHAT??? If I applied, then I want that job??? I don’t get it.

I finally got accepted to this Sales Academy that will train me to be a sales rep. I’ve been in it for 2 weeks. I don’t know if I like it. Making 64 calls a day and maybe getting to talk a couple of people. Lots of voicemails and emails and maybe a few conversations. And the product is amazing. One on one tutoring for literacy and math for school districts and raising their test scores in a BIG way should be a turn on for a school district, but guess what??? A sales call is a sales call and sometimes people won’t even listen EVEN when it would help their school tremendously and unburden the teachers. But again…another reason why teachers are leaving. Schools/states won’t spend money where it needs to be spent. They won’t unburden teachers. They’ll just keep taking their time and their spirit until they have nothing left to give.

Anyway…these weeks have been hard. I don’t know if I like sales. I don’t know if it’s my thing.

What is my thing?

Writing? Yes. I love writing, but it’s not paying any bills.

Could I be an editor/copywriter? Yes, but I’ve applied to 100s of those jobs and it’s getting me nowhere.

Could I be an assistant of some type? Of course, but someone also has to hire me.

I have all of these amazing skills that I’ve acquired in my jobs as teacher, library media specialist, operations manager (with Rhea Lana’s of Searcy), and working in sales with Herbalife and the Healthy Hub. I have skills. Apparently either not enough or too many. I’m either underqualified or overqualified. I can do so many things. (I’m trying not to brag here, but I’m amazing) But I’m stuck. I’m putting my resume at the bottom and if you’re reading this and like…own a business or company or like…need me? Hit me up!

And I do not want to substitute. My education cup is still empty. I don’t want to work in a school right now. Not unless I find a high school library job next year with a promise from the admin that they will respect me, my time, and my status. I have my masters degree. I’m not a babysitter or an interventionist.

Who am I?

I AM AN EDUCATOR AND A LIBRARY MEDIA SPECIALIST WITH NUMEROUS SKILLS.

I AM IMPORTANT.

I AM A MOTHER, A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A FRIEND, AND FIANCE.

I AM VALUED.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

But where do I belong right now in the career world?

I don’t know.